I was scared.
No, that is an understatement. I was petrified. By the time I had seen the people I wanted to see I was about to have a full scale panic attack. I ran out of the National Museum and walked back and forth on the steps. The Museum had been closed so the bouncers (all dressed in black) were watching me.
So I rang Mum.
“I was out of my depth…” I started, gulping air.
“Okay, what did they say.”
I explained that I had talked to the heads of department for Bath Spa and Aberystwyth University and they had pulled me up on my absence of knowledge about authors in the field I wanted to go into. And they had said that it was too vague. I was focusing on too big an area.
“Okay, now what did they say that was good?”
I paused. I was so focused on the bad that I had just dismissed the good comments.
“It’s a good idea and they want me to apply.”
Mum laughed. “Then what are you worried about. Fix what is wrong and apply.”
We said bye and I started to walk to the station. I mean I know that it is still a long shot, about 1 in 20, but I have got to give it a go.
Yet this morning a voice whispered in my ear…
You are wasting your time. You will never make any money and are going to end up alone and homeless.
Now I know that isn’t going to happen. I have family support so even if a hit a rut that derails me they will hold me up until I’m back on my feet. But still the voice is insistent and I can’t help but listen.
Why do I do that?
Why do I ignore the good and focus on the bad?
I think my new years resolution will be to find something good every day.
In fact – ignore that! I’m going to start now.
So the good thing yesterday was that they want me to apply for a PhD. And today – well, it has to be the simple fact that my mum turned to me this morning:
“Kate,” she said.
“Um?” I mumbled while trying to fill the kitten’s food bowls and not tread on them.
“Me and your Dad just wanted you to know that we are really proud of you.”
And that is the best thing for today.